He was somewhat happy these days. Something terrific was happening inside him. Something he himself did not quite understand at first how. But after giving a lot of thought to it he was now convinced it was terrific indeed.
He was in love. He was in love with a girl older than him by full six years. It was not the first time he was feeling love. He had been in love with one or the other girl since he was in second class. Deeply in love, always. And it had not been a mere attraction in any of the cases. In a way it was, though. But it was his personal view, and maybe right too. He believed there is no difference between love and attraction. What is love after all. Attraction. You are attracted to a person you love somehow.
He had been a shy character. Though almost at all times in his life he had had a girl that he liked, the funny thing was that he had never managed to speak with any of them, let aside a thought of friendship. When he was a child he was just too shy to speak with girls, even face them. In adolescence he felt so much the inferiority complex as he understood he belonged to a not-so-rich family. And by the time he stepped out of the teenage, he had become much too intelligent, and extremely sensitive of emotions. He thought there was no girl made for him. All he saw around in the College were kind of crazy creatures. Crazy after fashion, and show-off, and having what they decently called 'fun'. But now he was in love, again. And not shy as he had been when child, nor a victim of inferiority complex. But a perfect man. Perfect in every sense of the word. Intelligent. Sensitive. And extremely understanding. And he was in love with a twenty-six year old girl, himself being twenty. And he was happy for it.
But it was not as simple as that. And he knew it. For this reason despite all the happiness that it gave him, he felt utterly insecure. Drowned in misery. He had a family. His mother and a little sister. And he knew it was impossible to convince his mother of what was going on in his mind. It was the wildest thing his mother would ever imagine of her son. And he was anyway not getting on well with his mother for many other reasons. She was a widow. And rotten-minded, as he thought of her. Below par in intelligence. And for him intelligence and understanding were must for keeping up a relation. None else mattered to him. However she loved him, in her own way, to him she was no more than a human being, like a lady in his neighborhood. There were numerous occasions every day she would loose her head on, and yell at them. Both of them. She could not stand the littlest thing that went contrary to her ways. And how sick her ways and beliefs were, both he and his nine year old sister knew.
His mother never understood anything of him. She was just not capable of. Not only him, she was not capable of understanding anything going on in the world. And the worst thing was that she would blame everything and everybody for that. She believed all to be wrong and herself being victimized. She had had a rotten life. As a child, and also after marriage. Tremendous problems in a family, following, eventually the death of a husband. She had never felt a freedom to think naturally. All her life entangled in problems. Dependant, first on parents and elders, and then on husband. Never feeling important. Humble, belittled life. She had lived like a servant all her life. In a while she had kind of forgotten that she too could think, take decisions, pursue her interests, socialize. She was deprived of all else but problems. Cooking, cleaning house, laboring after children, and bearing burdens laden by elders of the family humbly, this was all her life had been comprised of. And now as she was a 'master' of the house, she seemed to be taking revenge on life. She would by-hook-or-by-crook get done what she wished. She would often boast of how hard her life had been and how she withstood the hardships. And as if she could not see other people, not even her children, enjoy what she had been denied all her life she would often decline things they justly deserved. It was mean of her. But she was a weird lady, half-mad, he thought.
He was turning mad too. Day by day, losing his head. His exams were nearing. Final year of graduation. But his mind was overwhelmed by her thoughts. There was not a single minute he did not think of her. When asleep, he dreamed of her. He did not wish to. He wished to study hard, get good ranks and make a successful footing in the eyes of the society and the world, so as to be able to fight for his rights - his love when he had to. But much against his wish, she would not vacate his mind. Maybe it would have been easier to manage, had it all been simpler. But he had a hell of a lot of difficulties. And a great deal to achieve through it. He cried out of madness often times. He desperately wanted to tell it her. Tell how much he thought of her. Cared for her. How much he wished to be sharing his life with her. His everything. Every single moment of his life he wanted to be with her. The thought of her getting married to someone else one day while he waited to grow up appalled him. But he was help less at present. How could he just go and speak to her, with nothing to support himself. The moment he took the step, whole world would stand in his way in protest. How would he fight, and with what! He was miserably helpless. But he had to pour out his heart on someone anyway. He needed strength, someone to condole with him at least.
He thought of speaking about it to his mother. However dumb the idea sounded, but she had to know it sometime anyway. The worst fear in his mind was facing his mother's reaction when she knew it. And he thought of getting through it right away, so as to be free of wild predictions shaping constantly in his mind and troubling him. He thought he would try speaking to her at the bedtime. He knew it would not be easy. His mother will never agree with him. But he would speak. And besides, it was a great deal necessary for him to get rid of the burden by sharing it with someone, and there happened to be only his mother near around him. He had to speak. He had to be at ease for studying, preparing for the approaching exams. And it was possible only after he shared this hard kept secret with someone.
At the bedtime he was all determined. He summoned up all his courage. In the heart he was happy too. Because he was beginning to feel the relief he would feel after it was told. And how much he had longed to tell it someone. Now the time was right. Or so he thought. His mother turned off the light. And as he lay on the floor beside her bed, he could hear his heart pounding. His mother was noticing for some days that he was not himself. She had even asked a few days ago if anything was troubling him. If he was worried about studies and the coming exams. And he had shoved her doubts by admitting just that. But now he was about to tell the real cause of his not being himself since long. He begun by asking his mother if she had ever felt attracted to any guy in her age, before his father, of course. It took her by surprise at first. But there was nothing she should lose her temper on. She made a face as if she was confused. Confused maybe of what was in his mind to induce him ask such a question. Or maybe of what she should answer to it. But the question anyway seemed to be interesting to her. "There's been no other man in my life but your father. Though we have not had a wonderful life together, but he loved me for sure. And I have no regrets with him." She sounded amused to talk about the subject. As if she herself wished to talk about it. He wondered if she had ever known the meaning of love. Her life with his father, from what he had seen and what she herself described from time to time seemed no great indeed. Arranged marriages anyway seemed really nothing but an arrangement to him. Arrangement to keep up with the norms and conventions. And to certain degree, do good with the natural sexual instinct after certain age is crossed. And such arrangement prevailed as a rule, because love was considered a kind of forbidden thing. But that was not right. And he knew it. He only pitied their fates. And wondered how they happened to believe they loved each other.
"Not talking about love. Just a liking. Have you ever liked any boy in your school, or in the neighborhood, anywhere, I mean..." He corrected himself, although he had never used a word 'love' anyway. He had said 'attraction'. But somehow he understood for the like of his mother it was not easy to admit what she herself believed to be shameful. She would never confess even if she did love somebody. "What do you mean by liking." His mother asked. "It means, uh... simply liking. Any kind of attraction. Like you can say as we feel for the film stars for they are so handsome and attractive. Or a liking for one's good nature. Just anything that attracts one person to the other. It may be looks, or nature, or anything else... Have you ever taken fancy to any person that way?" He did not want to push the subject too hard on her. And besides, it was not his direct concern at the moment. But he was kind of trying to create an ambiance for what he was to say to her. He had never happened to know her thoughts about love. There was no exchange of that sort between them. She had never seemed interested in sharing each other's thoughts. That was the way people lived. Some things were always just out of their perspective. As if they never felt a need for it.
His mother seemed to be ruminating over the question he had just asked. And he wondered lest she should answer in anything but negative as he sat waiting for a reply. "Well, if you are talking of that kind of a liking, then everybody likes some people at certain times in the life." His heart seemed to leap. It was positive! He hardly expected this sort of reply from her. He looked at his mother more intently for what she may say further. But she did not. Instead she gave an inquiring look to his face. "What on earth is on your mind," she said in a normal questioning tone. And he tried to reassure her that nothing was unusual with him, and he was just asking. But his curiosity was aroused. He tried pushing it a bit. And to his surprise his mother seemed not no mind speaking about it.
"There was a boy, when I was around your age, or a year younger maybe. Though I have had only a single little encounter with him, I was kind of struck by him. But that's that. And you must know it is not a love. People feel such madness in life, especially at that age." He was dumbstruck. Did she mean she had had a crush on some guy? And the worse part was that she called it a madness. How foolish. Without ever giving it a chance how could one reckon it a complete trash of a feeling. Madness! Was his love too a madness? The word pricked him. Without his asking for the further details she started describing the incidence.
She was on an errand to get some things from the bakery a few minutes away from their house. And on the way at the bus-stop she had seen that guy. "I had seen him around before too, and knew he lived somewhere near around. But had not quite noticed the way he noticed me then. He was shamelessly looking at me. Straight into the eyes, all the time until I passed past him." She made it sound as if she hated it. He doubted it though. The way his mother was taking interest in the subject unexpectedly, was vindicative of it being something more than just a little encounter. "Was he handsome?" He asked. "Yes he was. And the interesting thing is that he looked no rowdy-type, as one might expect of the guys with such shameless audacity. He looked quite decent otherwise. And for a moment I felt I liked him looking at me." And she said he was standing there even while she walked back home. And with same shameless display of his... admiration, maybe. And what titillated him was that she said she had liked it. He was aware of that characteristic of female sex though. But was doubtful if it was present in his own mother too. To him it was pretty exhilarating. For once he gained all the hopes that his mother might understand his state now. He tried to ferret out the details of what happened after that day. If she saw him ever again. Or if he tried to speak with her or anything. "No way, I could never dream of doing anything further about that," She said disapprovingly, and added, "and anyway it was wrong. How can you trust anybody just by seeing him. And my father... He would rather die than see me in friendship with a guy. And for that matter your dear uncles were enough of the body guards for me." She let out a dry smile as she spoke it. "Anyway it is too late to be talking about all that, and I have had a hell of a hard day. My back is killing me. Off to sleep in a minute for heaven's sake." And she turned her face. Suddenly she seemed not in a mood to talk. His heart was still running at more than a normal pace. It was exciting. Totally unexpected of his mother. For a moment he forgot he had to tell his story. His mind started taking trips to ascertain what might have gone around in her mind then.
The next day was pretty much unusual for him. He was more excited than he had been a day before. And his mother too had been immersed in thoughts all day long. Her mind had taken trips too. Of what would have happened if she had taken a step then. If she had been married to that guy instead of his father. It was a childish thought, especially after spending ten years of married life with her husband. And that with no regrets, as she had said. Her husband had always loved her, she thought. How could she think of another possibility now. But the next moment she pictured that guy. Wonder she had still in the memory his face from the day she had had a little encounter. And she once again realized how good looking he had been. She had then found out some things about him too, out of a hidden excitement after what she had passed through that day. He lived a few buildings away in the same locality. And none of what she had heard had suggested anything bad about him. But what was the use doing it all. Anything in that direction was unthinkable. And she knew it. Moreover, her mind had been so slavish that she could not see such things in her wildest dreams. She wondered why she had tried inquiring over it. She was sure till this day she had no intentions of getting involved with that guy in any fashion.
There was no point thinking about it all, she finally gave up. She was too confused to think clearly. And in a flash her entire life with her husband passed through her mind. What a pathetic life! She had spent the hardest days of her life with this man. They had lived like slaves in the family. Both she and her husband. He was a stepchild, and there was no respect for him, and consequently for his wife too. They had survived it like a hell. Or worse. Laboring all the time. She in the house. He for his younger brothers. They were no brothers. The relation was of a master-and-servant. Ten years. It was all she had to share of her life with that man. Until, at last, he gave up. He died. Through that time she had developed a kind of sympathy for her husband. And maybe that was what she took for a love, and what she got in return from her husband. He loved her thus. And she took satisfaction out of what the life had to offer her. It was by no means a happy life. But as she had always been convinced of, she had no regrets with him. But she was spoiled. And that was for sure.
"If... I had married that guy, my life would have been happy, and blessed. I would have got everything I have only dreamed of, never to be fulfilled. And we would have been much better able to take care of ourselves. We would have been rich. Much well placed. We would have had all we have longed for. Life would have been different. Much, much different... If only, I could..." She submitted. At the bedtime that night she told him so much. She seemed too weak. She had never deprecated her life with his father. And she was still not, but sure she admitted there had been a better option. She had been in love. But had never understood it. Never wanted to. For the first time he felt sympathy for his mother. Now he was much relieved. He could speak about himself fearlessly. His mother seemed to have understood what was love. And the feeling arising out of it. She looked so serene. Her eyes aching, but peaceful.
He held her eyes with his point-blank look and said, "What will you say if I said I like some girl?" And his heart again gave a thud inside and started pacing fast. The face of his mother froze. What did he say! He was in love? How could he! She went baffled. "You never said that before!" She wondered. Her son was in love. Was it something to feel happy about. Or it was a sinful thing. She looked bewildered. Now she understood what was keeping him so tensed. And he had said it was merely the pressure of study. She wondered now if he was at all paying attention to his books. She felt irritated at the thought. And besides, how dare he got so deep into thinking about a girl without her knowledge, she thought. She had not done that in her time. She was so controlled. It was not wise to plunge head in such things for the young guys his age!
While she thought all this, he could not wait for her reply. "Who is the girl?" She asked with an expressionless face. By no angle she looked pleased. And it passed a shudder down his body. He began to fear what would follow after he told the name of the girl. But now there was no tuning back. He never wanted to either. And as he told her who the girl was, she was so shocked that she almost shrieked at him. "Are you insane! Do you know what shit are you talking!" He trembled as he saw the expression on her face now. In a fraction of a moment he understood she was in her wildest hue. Completely contrary to what she had been only a few minutes ago! He tried to calm her down. But it was near impossible. "Are you in your senses? Do you at all care about your family, me, your sister who has to marry someday too? You will bring such a shame on all of us, you fool! What on earth gives you such ludicrous ideas! Absolute shit!" She was not finished. It was too painful for him hearing her. It seemed in moment she was completely transformed. He tried stopping her. He tried telling her he loved the girl. But she was too fierce to understand anything. He again shouted he loved the girl. But she would not listen to anything. She was wild. She was hateful. And foolish that she had always been. "I love the girl, do you hear that!!" He exploded this time, leaving her plainly amazed. He was panicked, and felt anytime he will face a blow from his mother.
"Shut your shitty mouth up, you ass! What do you mean you love the girl! What did you see in that girl looking your mother's age. And a handicap!!"
He felt thunderstruck! A handicap!! The words flew straight piercing his heart. He felt as if she hammered a nail on his chest. A handicap. He had never noticed she was a handicap. Was she? When ever he saw her, he saw the face of an angel without a halo. And a delicate, exquisitely shaped figure, without wings. And he knew he loved her. He wanted her in his arms, in his life, every time he saw her. She was the light of his world. She was his destiny, that he knew. And he knew not a thing beyond. He knew not she was crippled. And used crutches to support herself. It did not matter. It would not ever. Amusingly, he was grateful for what she was. For otherwise she would not marry him. However he loved her, there was no denying the fact it was not an acceptable deal. Their age difference. He may be insane enough to love and wish to marry her, but who would expect the same insanity of her. How would she convince herself to accept his love. So her disability was, in a way, an advantage on him. He was not particularly happy about it. But somehow it was something that had kept her for him.
His mother's face looked disgusting to him now. She was so wicked. How mean her thinking! He hated her for saying it. "It does not matter," he dared. "I love her the way she is. And that will never change for any hell of a reason." He was adamant now. He had to be. He could not retreat his love for someone who did not even know what the thing was. He would not give it up. "And what tells you she will marry you only because you think you love her! You are a damn blind. But not everyone in the world is so fool as you are!" His mother tried demoralizing him. But what she said was not true. He knew she liked him. He had been noticing her for more than two years now. He could understand from the way she looked at him that she felt something about him. Why else she should look into his eyes every time they crossed each other's way. It had not been simply a look. She always seemed to be telling him something. Either she disliked him for something, or she liked him. There could not be an apathy, for she would not look at him otherwise the way she did, not always. And there was no reason she should be disliking him. He was awfully good looking. And as for the other reasons, there had never been any kind of connection between them. So there was no possibility of her disliking him. It rendered it a sure thing that she liked him. Maybe she would not have thought of marriage and all, because of the apparent constraints. But she may sure be wishing to make friends with him. Or anything of a sort. And he told as much to his mother outright. He was not ready to be intimidated by her. And putting faith in his love, and himself gave him strength.
"You are a total blind, and completely away in the head! If I had known sooner about your mental freaks, I would not have left you for the hell you are half way in by now. But I will not let you so easily, you fucking jerk! I will see how you get that girl. I have seen a hundred sluts like her in my life!" She was abominable. He felt ashamed for her. He would not stay a minute more in that house only if she had not been his mother. And the damn, he cared not it. He had never felt any warmth in her feeling about him. He was always an idiot in her eyes. And this was too much now. But he was helpless to take any such step. "I will go right over her place and give them a hell of what they deserve. Bastards! Do they think they will so easily voodoo you! Their black magic by which you are so goddamn mesmerized is not stronger than what I wish. You are not going on with your madness anymore!! Now it is my turn to show them my madness!"
And his jaw dropped. His face almost fainted as he heard his mother's barbarity. Suddenly the terror crept in on his face. He knew she could do it. She was wild and mad enough to do any damn thing to get what she wished. Even at a loss of her dignity. And what if she fought with a girl's family? It was the worst blow. He suddenly felt banged on the floor. It must not happen to them, he wailed in his heart. They were so innocent people. And the girl was so delicate and so ill-fated already. If his mother did what she said they would be ruined, for no reason! He loved the girl so much. And as much he hated his mother now. Why it must befall him, he begged the God. And he started bagging his mother too. All of a sudden his all strength dwindled away. He feebly implored his mother not to ruin the girl. He would never think about the girl if she wished so, but she must not go fight with them. What was their fault! He cried as he explained it lamely to his mother. He was unaware of what he was saying. He could not forget her. And give her up. Not for the lady he hated the most in the world at the moment. But he had no strength to fight for her, for himself. Their love. He just wanted his mother to come out of the wildness he had driven her into. His thoughts ran at a double speed. He promised her he will not even look at the girl. He will turn his face when she looked at him, too. He will not leave anything between them and banish her completely from his mind. He was not sure if it was possible for him, but he had to do it. He could not let his mother spoil the life of the girl he loved so profoundly.
After a half-hour of intense struggle she was calmed down. But she would not give up. She looked down at him and said, "You are so goddamn spoiled! I will have to take measures to keep your senses up! Beware, I am going to keep a watch on you now, and if ever I saw her around you, you know what I can do!" He looked straight in her eyes, wishing he could kill her, but helpless. His eyes rather watered. "And fix one thing damn well into your empty head, you are not allowed to take so important decisions concerning us, your family."
She was too cruel. Decisions concerning them?! What the hell was there concerning their fucking business. It was his life. What ever he did in his life would bear no effect on any other. What was it that his mother feared so much, he wondered. However the girl was, he liked her. He would be happy with her. Why should his mother object to it. What difference was it going to make in her life. They were anyway not going to stay jointly in a house, so she even did not have to face the girl. What right had she to take decisions of his private life! Wrong he was in thinking that his mother will understand him because she had felt love herself. How could she not understand him now!! Damn! Why could she not see the happiness it would give him. This behavior of hers tortured him to hell.
What's the worst it could entail. He may realize he made an awfully wrong decision marrying that girl. What the hell else!! At least he would be able to go ahead and get divorced if things got there. That still was a thousand times better than his mother's life. At least he could separate because the decision to marry the girl was too his own. Unlike his mother, and all other fools who would spend a whole lifetime in misery, deceiving their own soul that they love their partner. They can not even dream going for a separation, for how could they take things in their control which were never in their hands! They did not marry on their own, on the first place. So they can not separate on their own too!! How ridiculous the practice!
It was too painful for him to think his mother was jealous of him! Strange as it may seem, but he knew it was the fact. People often face such situations in life, and wonder why the elders don't understand their mind. True, they fear the society. But what the society is made of, for that matter. The people. Why the society upholds such beliefs. For the sake of such jealous creatures like his mother! She had not enjoyed the kind of freedom he now wanted to. She had not been allowed to love, and he loved. She had lead a pathetic life always being submissive, and he tried to defy her wish. It was unbearable. How could he! He had no right to the happiness his mother was denied. It was wrong. But it was what happened with everybody in the world. Stronger would not let the weaker get what they themselves have not managed to. It is a rule in this world. And people are so influenced by the outer brightness that they no longer see the internal sunshine.
He was relentlessly broken down. He had never thought things would take such a hideous turn. So many times he had fallen in love, but things had never gone so worse as this. Either he found out the girl was not interested in him, or as in the most of the cases, time would drift him away, eventually to forget the girl. But this was all different. Everything was right in place. And the girl needed him. No one else in the world would love that girl as much as he did, he thought. It was to be the life so wonderful as dreams! But now all his dreams seemed to fade away in the heaven. He cried for days and days thinking about the girl. He despised his mother. And everybody else in the world seemed to have contributed to his ruin. Why the people must be so cruelly inconsiderate. Why must they not understand things after experiencing them themselves! It was not his world. It was not where he would ever be happy. He knew it now.
In the days that followed, his mother made all arrangements to sell off their house and move from the place. It was the last thing he could think of. And the worst at this point. Shifting from there meant not seeing her again. He had never spoken to her, so there was no way he could stay in touch with her. Not even secretly. He cursed his mother. He cried like a madman in the dark of night. He thought either he should kill his mother, or himself. There was no way surviving what he was befated.
He passed his
exams, with a distinction. Everybody was happy for him. But he was not. It was
the cruelest irony. They seemed anything but humans to him. All their life they
would run after achieving the worldly things. Degree, position, power, money,
status. But no body cared to earn the essential. A thing without which
everything else is futile. A thing without which vain is life.
THE END